It Is Finished.

BFN at home on Friday. BFN with Saturday's blood test. Brooklyn and Faith did not make it. I will never hold them in my arms, at least in this life. I am so incredibly sad. I know that our earlier success after 6 IVFs was a miracle, but I kept hoping that I would be blessed with yet another miracle if I just tried hard enough. 3 IVFs,  3 FETs, and our most devastating loss last fall and the journey ends with a crisp, clear, definitive BIG FAT NEGATIVE. At least it was clear. I thank G-d for that. At least instead of an agonizing early loss that just dragged out the inevitable.

My heart aches so hard, I think it might break. All of those things that I had hoped for or a envisioned in my mind's eye: Jacob holding his baby sister; our family walking hand-in-hand with Jody and I on each side and our two little blond-haired children smiling in the middle; our children providing comfort to one another when it is Jody's or my turn to leave this world; Our children splashing together in the summer sun.....and on and on. And selfishly for me: a chance to do things better in the beginning...maybe even carrying to term, being able to master breast feeding instead of the arduous pumping, being less depressed and therefore more emotionally present...Actually most other things, I think I did pretty well, but I guess the jury is still out on that.

So how do I cope without going to extremes? (I'm an all or nothing kind of person, unfortunately, which I suppose is how I last so long on this ttc journey.) Yesterday I kept busy and didn't cry until after my son (with whom I co-sleep) fell asleep. I stopping sobbing when he started to stir. Took some sleeping medication just for escape into oblivion (probably an abuse, but it was as directed at least). During the day I had done things (mostly petty, stupid and unhealthy) that I had stopped while ttc. Made me feel free, childish, and gave me a slightly upset tummy:

• Chocolate ice cream
• Cocoa Krispies (yes, the kids cereal) 
• Hershey's chocolate with almonds
• Carried Jacob lots!!!! (no longer matters that he's over the 10lb lifting max!)
• Cleaned the toilet (who cares about those chemical fumes? No embryos to contaminate.)
• Masturbation (Yes, admittedly. My dh is out of commission and there are no embryos to shake loose. The release is what allowed me to then start crying. Think what you will, but try not to judge too harshly.)
• My dh promised I could go for a run, but then decided he had to leave to go to a meeting. I was so disappointed and frustrated at missing that run. *&@(&(T^(#&&#!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today so far:

• Captain Crunch (what is it with kid's cereals?)
• A nice tall Cafe Mocha from Starbucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screw that it costs $$ that we don't have!)

Planned for today/this week/this month:

• As much RUNNING as possible
• FIND A RACE FOR BEFORE THE START OF SCHOOL for fun!!
• Blogging to help keep me sane
• Doing Jillian Michaels so that she can kick my butt (need to get rid of those stupid IVF pounds)
• Beach with Jacob
• Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning (chemicals don't matter now).
• Organizing, organizing, organizing (germs, lifting don't matter)
• Start organizing Jacob's old clothes and toys and my maternity stuff: to donate; resell; throw out
• Remove as much of the prior bullet from the house
• Last insurance claim and buying from the fire since we now know we won't have to replace the baby stuff that we lost at awful night
• Start making the apartment look like a home...the use of rooms will no longer change with the coming of a new baby. :(
• Start planning a trip for next AUGUST (after summer school, which I can now teach)...I can plan now...no cycles that might interfere!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Start reaching out to the moms of Jacob's friends.....Need to make more connections and stop crying about what they have (two, three, four children) and be grateful for my sweet boy
• AND????

What are the other silver linings? I need to keep thinking or I am going to get sucked into the morass of negative, despairing thoughts about the family I had planned to have....that younger sister for Jacob...that little one to hold in my arms and nurse to sleep. Oh, shit. I am so sad.

What Will Be Will Be

Every time I think that this cycle has succeeded or has failed I sing the refrain to the song Que Sera, Sera:

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

I keep trying to drown out any hope or any despair. In truth, there is nothing I can do about it either way and certainly stressing over it isn't going to help matters any. But, alas, easier said than done. Quite frankly, Saturday can't get here soon enough. Either I am in for more hoping/fearing/waiting if it's a BFP or if it's a BFN, I can finally stop putting my life on hold. Yup, one or the other. Anyway, going back to not thinking about it!!!!

TWO EMBIES: Brooklyn and Faith

Six (or is it seven?) years after being frozen, our two little embies thawed! I named them Brooklyn and Faith. I was in awe and surprise...all morning I kept fearing the call that would tell me not to bother to come in for the transfer because neither embie had made it. When the RE told me that they had both survived the thaw, I replied that I hadn't expected them to. His reply: "I have learned not to have expectations when it comes to you and your husband." Our little boy defied all expectations. Two embies, each with a 70% likelihood of thawing both made it. Maybe this cycle itself will also defy all expectations...

Ah, but there I am getting away with myself with that dangerous thing called: HOPE. I have not really done a good job of "Learning To Let Go." No expectations. What will be, will be. I leave it in G-d's hands, since clearly I've no say in the outcome! (Though that doesn't stop me from eating my millet congee and sleeping on my left side and all those other things I do that are really just away for me to pretend that I have some control over the matter!!!!)

So now I am in the dreaded 2ww...though the nice thing about a 5-day transfer is that I only need to wait 9 days....Saturday, August 3rd. I'll test at home on the 2nd. Until then, I wait...and hope.

Infertility and Dream Job Rejection -- Yup, there's a connection!

Just read an interesting post (click here to view) that compared the trials of infertility with rejection from your dream job...The dream job being that of a mother, the rejection in both leading to pain, despair, "why not me?" and the question of how much emotional energy can one put into trying for that job, that job of mother, again and again. The post was a poignant reminder of the exhaustion of infertility. Not that I needed reminding, I am completely emotionally exhausted from my journey (and I AM now a mother), but I DID need reminding that I am not alone. Maybe that's why I've linked back into the blog world right now. I am in the very last leg of my journey and, like a runner trying to run that last mile of a very long run, I need to find that strength that I know is in there somewhere to finish.

My blog lists the beginning part of my journey...and then I stopped writing with IVF#6, the one that by a miracle of G-d, actually worked. But that didn't mean that the pain of infertility stopped with the birth of my son (6 weeks early; 10 days in NICU), because somehow it is always there. After a year, we started trying for #2.....More IVFs, more losses...and I am tired...So tired I can't count the number of fresh or frozen transfers...I honestly don't know how many, except that it was/is too many. And now, the last leg... two little frozen embies from before we switched to donor sperm (which led to the success of that IVF#6, or so I believe)...So I am going through this FET with the dread, the certainty that it won't work again because these embies were created with my husband's sperm. Hmm, but then none of the other IVFs with donor sperm (same donor) worked, so maybe it wasn't the donor sperm after all...just a miracle. I am almost too tired to finish. I haven't been eating like I should...haven't consistently done all those things (like eating millet congee or drinking aloe vera gel) that I did with IVF#6. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I just really too tired? Or am I just convinced that it doesn't matter, that it's not going to work anyway? And if it's not going to work anyway, THEN WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Good question. Not sure I really have the answer. Strength? Hope? Determination? Stubbornness? Insanity?????? I'm thinking the last one.

Blood work and u/s to check lining on Saturday...will then see how much farther the journey continues. And if I'll make it to the end.

Last Attempt

To Terri, who commented on my post of a year ago....We did succeed!! IVF#6 resulted in our beautiful little boy who is now 3 years old!!!! He is our miracle!!! We have done many IVFs/FETs since then with several losses trying for #2. Our last loss was in October 2012 at 10 weeks. I was devastated beyond belief. I am currently doing our LAST cycle with two little frozen embies. If all goes well, the transfer will be next week. Regardless of the outcome, it is the end of our journey. I am too old (44 next month) and emotionally exhausted to continue the journey. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Return?

It is hard to believe that I haven't written here in almost three years.

What brings me back? Pain? Hope?

The trials of secondary infertility that I did not expect to face?

Life can be so wonderful, so beautiful, but also so horrendously cruel.

A bit of thought is necessary before I wander this cyber path again. From where am I coming? To where to I wish to travel?

Suspended Hope

I haven't written in a little while. Been having a tough time...and also a bit busy with the start of school. The third beta on Thursday was good...3040. I don't know what the progesterone levels were for any of the betas, and I don't want to know. Knowing will probably just make me worry more. While everything appears to be going well in terms of beta doubling times, I am just so scared and anxious about the first ultra-sound that I am having a hard time savoring the positive. I do not want to have an ultra-sound! I am too afraid that history will repeat itself...no heart beat, more shattered dreams. I am beyond my ability to endure another loss.

So, my days are filled with attempts to forget what is coming...trying to focus on school...well, on anything that doesn't remind me of the upcoming ultrasound (next Saturday) and while I have been sleeping somewhat better (b/c of the progesterone?) I spend a large junk of the night tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking is just bad for me. My brain is broken.

The next week is a waiting game. A test of endurance. We'll see if I pass...