It Is Finished.

BFN at home on Friday. BFN with Saturday's blood test. Brooklyn and Faith did not make it. I will never hold them in my arms, at least in this life. I am so incredibly sad. I know that our earlier success after 6 IVFs was a miracle, but I kept hoping that I would be blessed with yet another miracle if I just tried hard enough. 3 IVFs,  3 FETs, and our most devastating loss last fall and the journey ends with a crisp, clear, definitive BIG FAT NEGATIVE. At least it was clear. I thank G-d for that. At least instead of an agonizing early loss that just dragged out the inevitable.

My heart aches so hard, I think it might break. All of those things that I had hoped for or a envisioned in my mind's eye: Jacob holding his baby sister; our family walking hand-in-hand with Jody and I on each side and our two little blond-haired children smiling in the middle; our children providing comfort to one another when it is Jody's or my turn to leave this world; Our children splashing together in the summer sun.....and on and on. And selfishly for me: a chance to do things better in the beginning...maybe even carrying to term, being able to master breast feeding instead of the arduous pumping, being less depressed and therefore more emotionally present...Actually most other things, I think I did pretty well, but I guess the jury is still out on that.

So how do I cope without going to extremes? (I'm an all or nothing kind of person, unfortunately, which I suppose is how I last so long on this ttc journey.) Yesterday I kept busy and didn't cry until after my son (with whom I co-sleep) fell asleep. I stopping sobbing when he started to stir. Took some sleeping medication just for escape into oblivion (probably an abuse, but it was as directed at least). During the day I had done things (mostly petty, stupid and unhealthy) that I had stopped while ttc. Made me feel free, childish, and gave me a slightly upset tummy:

• Chocolate ice cream
• Cocoa Krispies (yes, the kids cereal) 
• Hershey's chocolate with almonds
• Carried Jacob lots!!!! (no longer matters that he's over the 10lb lifting max!)
• Cleaned the toilet (who cares about those chemical fumes? No embryos to contaminate.)
• Masturbation (Yes, admittedly. My dh is out of commission and there are no embryos to shake loose. The release is what allowed me to then start crying. Think what you will, but try not to judge too harshly.)
• My dh promised I could go for a run, but then decided he had to leave to go to a meeting. I was so disappointed and frustrated at missing that run. *&@(&(T^(#&&#!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today so far:

• Captain Crunch (what is it with kid's cereals?)
• A nice tall Cafe Mocha from Starbucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screw that it costs $$ that we don't have!)

Planned for today/this week/this month:

• As much RUNNING as possible
• FIND A RACE FOR BEFORE THE START OF SCHOOL for fun!!
• Blogging to help keep me sane
• Doing Jillian Michaels so that she can kick my butt (need to get rid of those stupid IVF pounds)
• Beach with Jacob
• Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning (chemicals don't matter now).
• Organizing, organizing, organizing (germs, lifting don't matter)
• Start organizing Jacob's old clothes and toys and my maternity stuff: to donate; resell; throw out
• Remove as much of the prior bullet from the house
• Last insurance claim and buying from the fire since we now know we won't have to replace the baby stuff that we lost at awful night
• Start making the apartment look like a home...the use of rooms will no longer change with the coming of a new baby. :(
• Start planning a trip for next AUGUST (after summer school, which I can now teach)...I can plan now...no cycles that might interfere!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Start reaching out to the moms of Jacob's friends.....Need to make more connections and stop crying about what they have (two, three, four children) and be grateful for my sweet boy
• AND????

What are the other silver linings? I need to keep thinking or I am going to get sucked into the morass of negative, despairing thoughts about the family I had planned to have....that younger sister for Jacob...that little one to hold in my arms and nurse to sleep. Oh, shit. I am so sad.

What Will Be Will Be

Every time I think that this cycle has succeeded or has failed I sing the refrain to the song Que Sera, Sera:

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

I keep trying to drown out any hope or any despair. In truth, there is nothing I can do about it either way and certainly stressing over it isn't going to help matters any. But, alas, easier said than done. Quite frankly, Saturday can't get here soon enough. Either I am in for more hoping/fearing/waiting if it's a BFP or if it's a BFN, I can finally stop putting my life on hold. Yup, one or the other. Anyway, going back to not thinking about it!!!!

TWO EMBIES: Brooklyn and Faith

Six (or is it seven?) years after being frozen, our two little embies thawed! I named them Brooklyn and Faith. I was in awe and surprise...all morning I kept fearing the call that would tell me not to bother to come in for the transfer because neither embie had made it. When the RE told me that they had both survived the thaw, I replied that I hadn't expected them to. His reply: "I have learned not to have expectations when it comes to you and your husband." Our little boy defied all expectations. Two embies, each with a 70% likelihood of thawing both made it. Maybe this cycle itself will also defy all expectations...

Ah, but there I am getting away with myself with that dangerous thing called: HOPE. I have not really done a good job of "Learning To Let Go." No expectations. What will be, will be. I leave it in G-d's hands, since clearly I've no say in the outcome! (Though that doesn't stop me from eating my millet congee and sleeping on my left side and all those other things I do that are really just away for me to pretend that I have some control over the matter!!!!)

So now I am in the dreaded 2ww...though the nice thing about a 5-day transfer is that I only need to wait 9 days....Saturday, August 3rd. I'll test at home on the 2nd. Until then, I wait...and hope.

Infertility and Dream Job Rejection -- Yup, there's a connection!

Just read an interesting post (click here to view) that compared the trials of infertility with rejection from your dream job...The dream job being that of a mother, the rejection in both leading to pain, despair, "why not me?" and the question of how much emotional energy can one put into trying for that job, that job of mother, again and again. The post was a poignant reminder of the exhaustion of infertility. Not that I needed reminding, I am completely emotionally exhausted from my journey (and I AM now a mother), but I DID need reminding that I am not alone. Maybe that's why I've linked back into the blog world right now. I am in the very last leg of my journey and, like a runner trying to run that last mile of a very long run, I need to find that strength that I know is in there somewhere to finish.

My blog lists the beginning part of my journey...and then I stopped writing with IVF#6, the one that by a miracle of G-d, actually worked. But that didn't mean that the pain of infertility stopped with the birth of my son (6 weeks early; 10 days in NICU), because somehow it is always there. After a year, we started trying for #2.....More IVFs, more losses...and I am tired...So tired I can't count the number of fresh or frozen transfers...I honestly don't know how many, except that it was/is too many. And now, the last leg... two little frozen embies from before we switched to donor sperm (which led to the success of that IVF#6, or so I believe)...So I am going through this FET with the dread, the certainty that it won't work again because these embies were created with my husband's sperm. Hmm, but then none of the other IVFs with donor sperm (same donor) worked, so maybe it wasn't the donor sperm after all...just a miracle. I am almost too tired to finish. I haven't been eating like I should...haven't consistently done all those things (like eating millet congee or drinking aloe vera gel) that I did with IVF#6. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I just really too tired? Or am I just convinced that it doesn't matter, that it's not going to work anyway? And if it's not going to work anyway, THEN WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Good question. Not sure I really have the answer. Strength? Hope? Determination? Stubbornness? Insanity?????? I'm thinking the last one.

Blood work and u/s to check lining on Saturday...will then see how much farther the journey continues. And if I'll make it to the end.

Last Attempt

To Terri, who commented on my post of a year ago....We did succeed!! IVF#6 resulted in our beautiful little boy who is now 3 years old!!!! He is our miracle!!! We have done many IVFs/FETs since then with several losses trying for #2. Our last loss was in October 2012 at 10 weeks. I was devastated beyond belief. I am currently doing our LAST cycle with two little frozen embies. If all goes well, the transfer will be next week. Regardless of the outcome, it is the end of our journey. I am too old (44 next month) and emotionally exhausted to continue the journey. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Return?

It is hard to believe that I haven't written here in almost three years.

What brings me back? Pain? Hope?

The trials of secondary infertility that I did not expect to face?

Life can be so wonderful, so beautiful, but also so horrendously cruel.

A bit of thought is necessary before I wander this cyber path again. From where am I coming? To where to I wish to travel?

Suspended Hope

I haven't written in a little while. Been having a tough time...and also a bit busy with the start of school. The third beta on Thursday was good...3040. I don't know what the progesterone levels were for any of the betas, and I don't want to know. Knowing will probably just make me worry more. While everything appears to be going well in terms of beta doubling times, I am just so scared and anxious about the first ultra-sound that I am having a hard time savoring the positive. I do not want to have an ultra-sound! I am too afraid that history will repeat itself...no heart beat, more shattered dreams. I am beyond my ability to endure another loss.

So, my days are filled with attempts to forget what is coming...trying to focus on school...well, on anything that doesn't remind me of the upcoming ultrasound (next Saturday) and while I have been sleeping somewhat better (b/c of the progesterone?) I spend a large junk of the night tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking is just bad for me. My brain is broken.

The next week is a waiting game. A test of endurance. We'll see if I pass...

Hanging In

Waiting
I'm feeling kind of isolated and alone. So many people are so happy for me...and I am happy...Such awesome beta numbers after so long...BUT, I am just so scared. With our prior pregnancies, every time we have gone in for ultra-sounds it has been traumatic. Horrid news. Dead dreams. I know that all seems to be going well so far. I am trying, really trying to stay in the moment (and often succeeding), but any time I think about the first ultra-sound I just want to go away. I feel panicked. Luckily, I don't yet know when it will be. Just a vague time in the next week or two. I presume they will tell me when they call with the results from the beta this coming Thursday. Funny, I'm really not anxious about the beta. I think it will be fine. (G-d, please don't make me eat my words.) I am just nervous about later.

School
Meetings for school start tomorrow. Actually went in Monday and today and got some work done. It was good for me. Had several hours in which I did not think about the M&Ms, infertility, fear, etc. Yes, a good reprieve. Oh, and speaking of reprieve, I actually SLEPT for 6 hours last night (only very briefly interrupted). It's a miracle! Very helpful for better functioning during the day! Hoping my fatigue is a side-effect of being pregnant...since I'm not feeling any other symptoms. Hmmm, I'm supposed to be writing about school. Found out today that a colleague's wife is pregnant, due in March. But that's not really about school, is it? Distraction. School is supposed to be a distraction...Well, once the students return next week how could classes over-full with teenagers not provide distraction?!? The nice thing about being in the classroom is that nothing outside of the class matters. There is no space in my brain...too full of the thousand decisions that must be made in the course of each lesson...how to keep four different classes of 25 teenagers interested, engaged, and well-behaved! ;)

Tomorrow is the day for the stupid staff "sharing" thing that I wrote about on Saturday. I think I'm going to talk about gardening. In my head maybe I can make it into a metaphor. Satisfy my need to express my life for the past 3+ years while respecting my colleagues' lack of desire to deal with so much pain and loss. Well, we'll see how it goes. Hope they don't mind some dead plants. [Okay, no bitterness in that comment. Nope, none at all.]

Waiting and Preparing

Funk
Spent most of yesterday in a funk. The couch was my friend. Actually, the night before I couldn't stop crying. But I'm pregnant, why am I not happy? Well, I AM happy, but I'm also just terribly scared and anxious. I feel guilty that I am so sad and anxious when things are going so well. But that is how I feel (although I'm better today than yesterday). I have been pregnant 5 times before and I don't have a baby in my arms. I am cautious. I'm trying to have faith that this time is different, that all will be well. But it is hard. I'm also trying to follow my shrink's advice and stay in the moment...and right now all is well with the pregnancy. I'm trying. Sometimes I am actually succeeding. Sometimes not so much. As I said, better today than yesterday. All is well now. Need to keep reminding myself of that. Need to try to STOP thinking about the first ultra-sound which has gone so drastically wrong in prior pregnancies. I am just so scared. Faith. I need to have faith.

Prep for School
As anxious as I am about next week's beta and our first u/s whenever that may be, I am becoming more anxious about the start of the new school year. Told myself on Friday that I HAD to get stuff done for school, but as I said, the couch was my friend. Today I worked for several hours this morning. Very good. Just soooooo much more to go. I guess the good thing is that it's probably the only thing that even has a chance of distracting me from pregnancy worries. Meeting with some fellow teachers on Monday, which I hope will help keep me focused and able to get work done.

What to Say?
Teacher meetings are on Wed & Thurs (beta day). They are planning some stupid small group thing in which we share something about ourselves with our co-workers. I am DREADING this part. Who's brilliant idea was this thing? Quite frankly they don't want to hear about my fertility issues and I don't care much about anything else. Besides, my life has been on hold for a very long time, so I haven't done much to talk about anyway, unlike so many teachers where I work who have fantastic trips to various cool places around the world. Yeah, who can plan trips when one doesn't know when the next cycle will be? Anyway, I don't know what to talk about. Haven't even read any good books. Read some great infertility blogs! LOL! I so wish I could skip this part of the day. Well, I guess I have a few days to try to come up with something....

Holy Shit! :)

Second Beta
The results of the second beta are in and I am so excited that I can't stop grinning. Sooooooo, what was the number you ask? TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY SIX!!! From 90 to 246...doubling time of 33 hours. Un-freaking believable!! Okay. Calm. Faith. Calm. Breathe. Grin! I am so very full of hope. I just hope it doesn't all come crashing down...hmmm, like how many times before? Faith. Calm. Breathe. Next beta isn't for a full week. Thankfully school starts next week, so at least a little distraction. Not that I can concentrate on preparing for school! Calm. Breathe.

Calm
Spent the first part of the day trying to be calm in anticipation of the beta. Very hard to do. Did get some cleaning and organizing done! Eventually laid on the couch and kept repeating "Faith. Calm." Spent the second part of the day alternating between grinning incessantly and trying to be calm. Spent time in the garden. Pet the cat. Read stuff for school out in the sun (well, as much as possible). Now, how do I keep this up for a week?!?

Support
I have been so amazingly blessed with a supportive husband and great friends (both IRL and on-line). Made me cry today with happiness seeing all the words of excitement and support from so many people on FB. Dh keeps saying sweet things to the little M&Ms. Hope they are burying in nicely and getting cozy. So many people all around the world are rooting for our little embryos and sending prayers and good wishes. Amazing. Comforting. I need to remember just how lucky I am in so many ways to have such earnest, loving, heart-felt support. Thank you.

"Learning to Let Go"

Faith
Calm. Serenity. Peace. Learning to let go and live in the moment. Such a hard place for me to attain. My shrink tells me often to live in the moment. So does my husband. While my shrink is away, I saw another therapist. Guess what she said? So, I'm trying to let go of my fears about tomorrow's beta...about the first ultrasound...about everything...and just concentrate on today. Funny that when I started my blog two years ago I chose "learning to let go" as my title. Don't think I've made much progress in that area! I have been trying though. Keep telling myself to have faith. This pregnancy will stay. Let go...(since I can't control the outcome anyway)Have faith...Let go...Have faith...Stay calm. Little mantras in my head (better than most of the other stuff in there!).

ICLW
For those of you visiting as part of ICLW, what do you do to stay grounded? To stay in the moment? To stay calm? Here is my current list:
*Pet the cat
*Make a cup of tea
*Go for a walk
*Listen to a relaxation CD (any suggestions anyone?)
*Garden
*Clean (not my favorite!)
*Read a really good book
*Play with an ice cube (okay, well it works for me!)
*Call a friend

Problem is that I frequently forget about the list. I think I need to post the list somewhere. Maybe on the fridge? Someplace where I'll see it so that I'll make use of the tactics. I think I'll make a nice reminder, maybe with a relaxing picture of the ocean or a garden....

Positive and Positive!!

HPT and Beta
After Sunday's negative hpt, I was very wary of testing again. In fact, yesterday I was pretty much in a funk....laid on the couch for most of the afternoon. But this morning I decided to test before I went in for the beta. To my amazement I very quickly got a BFP on the hpt! My dh had run out for coffee, so I left the hpt on his dresser. I soooo couldn't wait for him to get home. He, of course, was also in a state of disbelief once he saw the test. We were both shaking! "Calm." We said. "Calm." After five losses, we reminded ourselves that this is just the first step. Need to be cautious. But man are we happy!!! (So much for caution. Wish my shrink were here because somehow dealing with these positive emotions is just as hard...albeit in a different way!)

At 6am we went for the beta. (I am so lucky that my dh comes with me to almost every appointment.) By 10am one of the doctors at the clinic called. I was a little scared as previously I'd only been called by nurses. Why was the RE calling (not mine, but another one at the clinic)? Good news! Beta was 90!!!!! Okay, some history here. IVF #5 our initial beta was NINE! First FET our beta was 28. So this is much better! That being said, our first IUI beta was over 100, so hence my need to remind myself to be cautious as we never got to hear our little boy's heartbeat.

Up! Down! Around! Around!
So, the question is how to find a place of stability in this whirlwind of emotion. How can I be happy without being tooo happy? (It would be nice to stop pacing...hard to type and pace at the same time!!) Cautious without being depressed? (How to remember that we are not out of the woods by a long shot without getting mired in the loss of all of our little ones.) Oy! Where is that middle ground? What would my shrink say? "Go for a walk." "Pet the cat." "Make a cup of tea." Yup, need to make myself do those things. Not sure any of them will help me find a middle ground....but perhaps some islands of calm in this storm?

Next Beta
Return for second beta on Thursday, so I'm praying for some very nice doubling. Until then, I think I'll go pet the cat....

HPT Negative

Stupidity
12dpo and at 2am the hpt was negative. And why do you ask did I take an hpt in the midst of a family visit? Sheer stupidity. Masochism? So now I am devastated, but can't show it. Lots of fun and expended energy trying to be positive when I want to curl away from the world. Of course, though, there is that other stupid part of me that holds out hope despite experience over almost 4 years that tells me that any time I get a bfp after 12dpo it is a chemical pregnancy. *sigh* As I said, just sheer stupidity (the hope, that is). Luckily, I have managed not to share this news with my dh. Figure I can give him a day or two more of blissful ignorance.

Family
Visit so far going well. Cleaning basically passed muster! Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences with perfectionist cleaning family members in response to my last post. I am sorry to hear that I am not alone in my scrambling to clean to please these neurotic people in my life. While my cleaning seems to have passed (the weekend is not over!), my pie crust did not. My little sister's (6 years younger at 34) comment was that she couldn't believe I was too lazy to make the crust from scratch. She very kindly did so for me and we threw my crust in the trash (must admit, mine had not stayed up on all sides, but it did have good flavor, even if it came from a box). Isn't family fun?! ;)

My mom could not believe that I was so unhappy about turning 40, which everyone in my family agreed is not a big deal. When I said that I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that I am 40 and childless, she responded "Oh, that." Gee, how supportive.

Therapist
Can't believe how upset I am that my shrink is away for the next two weeks. I feel very much adrift without her...and she only left yesterday for goodness sake! Of course, it doesn't help that she's away at the convergence of turning 40, family visit, and the likely failure of our 6th and last IVF. G-d clearly has a sense of humor and is testing my ability to stay in this world. Well, and to stay here as a functional being. Funny thing is, I really thought I'd already been tested enough. Guess not. Well, considering I'm about to cry and this might raise questions from my dh, I'm going to end this post here. Besides, need to go make my rounds of other people's blogs...maybe I'll find some inspiration and strength.

Family Coming, oh my!

Cleaning
Not much time to post today as I am cleaning in anticipation of my family's arrival. It is the first time in the 20+ years that I've been in MA (my family is in PA) that all of my family is coming to visit (sis, bro, folks, aunt). I've been a cleaning fiend, but within limits since I'm PUPO. There is just so much to do, though, as my DH and I are just not that neat and haven't cleaned much during the IVF cycle.

I wonder what other children of perfectionist cleaners do when their family comes to visit and they are not perfectionist cleaners themselves. Do they clean? Do the say "what the heck" and leave things as they are? Or maybe most children of perfectionist cleaners are perfectionists themselves. I know my siblings are...both of them made comments about making sure I clean before everyone comes up. Didn't matter that we're in the 2ww for our last IVF. *sigh* Not sure why I care so much what they think, but clearly I do else I wouldn't be a cleaning maniac. (DH is doing all the hard work, like vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom. Sweet.) Just to be clear, though, my apartment is not that dirty. Just dusty and a bit cluttered. Taz kitty adds a bit to that dust. ;)

Well, at least I'm distracted from Tuesday's beta. Well, mostly. ;)

Trying to Rebound?

No Snowbabies
Found out yesterday, on my 40th birthday, that NONE of our little embryos made it to freeze. I am devastated. On day one the embryologist said they all looked beautiful. On day 2, the three we transferred were "absolutely perfect" and the rest were very, very good. On day 3, five of the six remaining had stopped growing and the other was extremely fragmented and abnormally compacted. No snowbabies. No more chances.

Okay, so the rebound part is that I am trying to stay positive. An on-line friend of mine reminded me that plenty of women get pregnant on cycles with nothing to freeze. I keep remembering the study I read that the IVF success rate is better in cycles in which additional embryos make it to freeze. And, of course, I cannot forget our on-going lack of success. So I'm trying, okay maybe not really successfully, to keep my friend's point in the forefront and push the others to the back of my brain. Need some kind of positive mantra.

Family
Can't believe my family is actually coming up to visit this weekend. Nice in that they care about my birthday, stressful in that, well, they are my family! I am praying that AF stays away, if not for 9 months, at least until my family leaves. They leave on Monday. Beta is on Tuesday. Too many emotions all at once for one little brain to handle! Again, I think I really need to work on coming up with a positive thing to say in my head to help me through this all!

"Happy" Birthday

Turned 40
"Happy birthday!" Yes, one expects these wishes on one's birthday. In fact, I'd be very disappointed if people didn't wish me a happy birthday. But the fact of the matter is: I am not happy. This day does not seem like a happy day to me. And I wish one person (okay, so my shrink seems to understand, although even she wished me a happy birthday -- actually a week early!), would acknowledge and help me talk about why is this not a happy day. I cannot believe that I am 40 and without children. It makes me so desperately sad. We should have a toddler running around the house. But no, our little ones keep dying in the womb. All our hopes and dreams....crushed. I feel the weight of sadness every day. While I know that women have children after 40, I also know that the chances diminish greatly...and after so many losses and failed treatments I fear the likelihood for me is next to nil. I am so sad it is unbearable. How will I deal with today's phone calls wishing me a "happy" birthday? With the "celebration" tonight with friends (and their children -- WTF was I thinking?!?!) and family? With my family coming up to visit this weekend to help me "celebrate"? I just want to bury myself in a deep hole and not come out.

No Substitution for a Mother
The loss of motherhood hit me hard yesterday when I received a birthday card from my mother in the mail. I received many cards. A sweet one from my aunt...and she even sent a second card and made it from my cat. So kind of her. Made me smile. I received a card from my mom (she's actually sent several) and in that card she a put a copy of the little slip that was put on my bed in the hospital room when I was born. Name, date, weight, length, time of birth, when "shown." Made me cry. My mom kept the original, a mother's need she said. So why does this upset me? Because I am afraid that I will never be the mother, only the aunt. It is not the same. A mother is special in a way that no one else can be. (Regardless of who is more supportive/present/etc.) I want to hold on to that little slip for my child. I fear, gravely fear, that I never will.

The M&Ms
With all of this, you'd think I had forgotten the M&Ms that were transferred a week ago. No, I haven't. I just have such little hope. If they are not dead already, they will die later. That is how it has been. I expect nothing different. I keep being told to be positive -- that being positive will not make the pain any greater on Tuesday when I get a negative beta. But I don't believe them. (Saw a therapist yesterday who will see me while my shrink is away and she was quite clear on this point -- in the end, I just said "Yes, that makes sense." while in my head I was thinking "Yeah, right.") I am too scared to be positive. But even with that fear, even I, the great pessimist, am sometimes struck with the affliction of hope. I rein that in as quickly as possible, lest it take over and set me up for a fall that I will never recover from.

Anyway, the M&Ms, if they are living, are now 9dpo. If G-d is smiling, they are nestling in...If not, then part of me will die with them too...

Ear Acupuncture???

Ear Points
Okay, just something else to stress about. Great. So talking to DH about my acupuncture appointment and mention the needles in my ears (ouchy ones). He does NOT want me to have ear points done again. Says points in ear are linked to miscarriage. Googled it. Hmmm, more than one site that indicates that ear points in pregnant women are contraindicated because of miscarriage risk. Great. With so many losses, that's just what I need. Told DH that he would have to call the acupuncturist and tell her no ear points. Okay, so why can't I just tell her myself? Why do I think I'll cave in if she insists they're safe/helpful/etc? I want this last IVF to work soooo much. I can't decide what I should do. What is okay and what isn't? How the hell should I know?!?!!? I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. What am I going to do that is going to make this cycle doomed to failure? Should I do this? Should I avoid that? *sigh*

Waiting
Today is 6dpo or 4dp2dt. 8 days until beta. See my shrink tomorrow (and Friday), but on Saturday she is leaving for two weeks. Beta is on a Tuesday. Normally I would have seen her on that day. *sigh* Why this Tuesday of all Tuesdays does she need to be gone?!?! Just my luck (or lack thereof), I guess.

I reiterate my desire to go to sleep and not wake up until the beta!!

Work
I did manage to distract myself for some pieces of time today by doing work for school. Other times too sad. Sometimes just too focused on this cycle. At least I'm getting a little bit done...Trying to think of something positive here!

Still Waiting

Waiting
Okay, I'm really not getting anything done. I can't stop thinking about this cycle, prior cycles, childlessness, infertility. Very depressing. Not conducive to preparing for the school year, which starts much too soon. Need to get out of my own head.

One week until I can POAS. Not that I'm counting or anything.

Food and Failure
Can I just say how absolutely tired I am of eating my acupuncturist-approved diet? I am sick of sprouted bread, millet porridge, leafy green veggies, whole grains, lentils, etc. I want a nice, big bowl of ice cream...some cheerios with MILK...a cup of coffee (decaf would be just fine)...a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread. But, I'm being "good." Don't want to be able to blame myself for eating poorly and causing this cycle not to work. Not that it's going to work anyway. Which makes this whole "being good" thing even harder -- or more ridiculous, depending on how one looks at it. Not that it's really that big of a deal in and of itself. It's just that I feel like the last 3+ years of my life have not been my own. Have been controlled by this one, seemingly unattainable, goal. I have never put so much effort into something...only to fail time and time again.

Waiting

2ww
One week until I'll POAS. (Beta 2 days later.) It seems like forever. I keep replaying all of our prior losses in my head. I know I should be staying positive, but it is so very hard. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the beta. Wish that were possible. Actually, it would be really nice if I could sleep a solid eight hours. Heck, I'd be happy for six!

I have tons of work to do for school, but every time I try to work on it my brain ends up elsewhere. I'm lucky if I can manage 15 minutes at a shot. I had hoped that school work might distract me from the 2ww, but apparently I hoped in vain. My friend said just leave it all in G-d's hands. Apparently I'm not very good at that. Her implication was that it was never going to work until I did. Guess I'm freaking screwed then. *sigh* Just more stress.

40
Can't believe that I will be 40 in less than a week. Makes me enormously sad that I will be 40 and still do not have a baby in my arms. I don't think the age would bother me so much if it weren't for the issue of fertility...and its decline. I'm 20 years older than my mother was when she had me. Scary thought.

Sad
I really thought I could write more. But I think I am just too sad. I hope that if the cycle works, it works. I can not deal with another loss. I can't. Too many already that I can't stop thinking about. Where is hope now? I think I'm just tired of everything.

Embryo Transfer and Stress

Embryo Transfer
The embryologist called at 7:30 Thursday morning. Three PERFECT embryos were crying out to her "pick me! pick me!" [Yes, the embryologist actually said this!] So transfer was set for 9:30 that day. Since DH was/is sick with a stomach bug, a friend of mine drove me to the appointment. Very sweet of her. All went well; although, a few things annoyed me. First of all I should point out that my bladder was very, very, very full -- leaving me a bit cranky -- and DH wasn't there so I was feeling somewhat alone. I had to wait quite a while on the lovely table waiting for the RE and when she arrives she wants to talk to me about only putting in two embryos (had already discussed with embryologist who encouraged me to only put in two since they looked so perfect). RE said she was very concerned about the possibility of triplets. Yeah, right. Has she read my history? 5 losses, 3 IUIs, 1 FET, and 6 IVFs?!? Yes, she assures me, she knows my history. Hence the conversation otherwise she would have insisted on two. Eventually she acquiesces, much to my relief as I REALLY have to pee! Embryo transfer is tricky because of a little kink in the path...not fun because, as I mentioned before, I really have to pee! All done...cool little swish on the monitor as the little embryos go in. Neat. Then everyone leaves the room and I must lie on the table all by myself and wait. Did I mention that I really have to pee!?!? I thought I was going to cry. Passed the time by looking at the picture of our three little embryos and trying to run various mantras through my head. 10 minutes later...(and by now a full hour has passed)...I got to go pee! Peeing never felt so good!

Dark, Milk, and Peanut
DH and I have always named our little embryos. Actually he has usually chosen the names. We've done the three (well 4 b/c we had one to freeze) musketeers, the three stooges, FDR and Eleanor, the Andrews sisters, etc. This time I named them without DH and I specifically did not pick people names. Besides, I am tired of picking the names of DEAD people! So now we can just refer to our three current embryos collectively as the M&Ms: milk, dark, and peanut. I kind of like it. [Especially peanut; makes me smile.] DH is not so happy because he didn't pick them. Too bad. He wasn't there when I got the picture. My turn.

Stress
Other than the stress of this cycle, which is weighing heavily on my brain. I am thinking a lot about our prior losses. Two of them in particular. Often, that extreme having-to-pee feeling (among other things) will trigger thoughts of our first loss. We conceived naturally after only 2 months trying. All seemed well. We talked about names. Our friends gave us stuff for the baby. We blissfully went for a check up at 10 weeks. Didn't hear any heart beat. Hmmm. Went for a vaginal u/s (hence the very full bladder...and they took a while, so I REALLY needed to pee!). DH held my hand. U/S tech looked concerned. I knew something was wrong. DH was oblivious. U/S tech asked me if I was sure about how far along I was. I started to cry. DH looked bewildered...until the tech said the sac looked about 6 wks. No baby. All our dreams and hopes and plans crushed instantly. Devastating.

Anyway, I think I need to stop writing now. Will blog more later. More stresses to write about. Might help me deal?