Sunday, August 4, 2013

It Is Finished.

BFN at home on Friday. BFN with Saturday's blood test. Brooklyn and Faith did not make it. I will never hold them in my arms, at least in this life. I am so incredibly sad. I know that our earlier success after 6 IVFs was a miracle, but I kept hoping that I would be blessed with yet another miracle if I just tried hard enough. 3 IVFs,  3 FETs, and our most devastating loss last fall and the journey ends with a crisp, clear, definitive BIG FAT NEGATIVE. At least it was clear. I thank G-d for that. At least instead of an agonizing early loss that just dragged out the inevitable.

My heart aches so hard, I think it might break. All of those things that I had hoped for or a envisioned in my mind's eye: Jacob holding his baby sister; our family walking hand-in-hand with Jody and I on each side and our two little blond-haired children smiling in the middle; our children providing comfort to one another when it is Jody's or my turn to leave this world; Our children splashing together in the summer sun.....and on and on. And selfishly for me: a chance to do things better in the beginning...maybe even carrying to term, being able to master breast feeding instead of the arduous pumping, being less depressed and therefore more emotionally present...Actually most other things, I think I did pretty well, but I guess the jury is still out on that.

So how do I cope without going to extremes? (I'm an all or nothing kind of person, unfortunately, which I suppose is how I last so long on this ttc journey.) Yesterday I kept busy and didn't cry until after my son (with whom I co-sleep) fell asleep. I stopping sobbing when he started to stir. Took some sleeping medication just for escape into oblivion (probably an abuse, but it was as directed at least). During the day I had done things (mostly petty, stupid and unhealthy) that I had stopped while ttc. Made me feel free, childish, and gave me a slightly upset tummy:

  • Chocolate ice cream
  • Cocoa Krispies (yes, the kids cereal) 
  • Hershey's chocolate with almonds
  • Carried Jacob lots!!!! (no longer matters that he's over the 10lb lifting max!)
  • Cleaned the toilet (who cares about those chemical fumes? No embryos to contaminate.)
  • Masturbation (Yes, admittedly. My dh is out of commission and there are no embryos to shake loose. The release is what allowed me to then start crying. Think what you will, but try not to judge too harshly.)
  • My dh promised I could go for a run, but then decided he had to leave to go to a meeting. I was so disappointed and frustrated at missing that run. *&@(&(T^(#&&#!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today so far:
  • Captain Crunch (what is it with kid's cereals?)
  • A nice tall Cafe Mocha from Starbucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Screw that it costs $$ that we don't have!)
Planned for today/this week/this month:
  • As much RUNNING as possible
  • Blogging to help keep me sane
  • Doing Jillian Michaels so that she can kick my butt (need to get rid of those stupid IVF pounds)
  • Beach with Jacob
  • Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning (chemicals don't matter now).
  • Organizing, organizing, organizing (germs, lifting don't matter)
  • Start organizing Jacob's old clothes and toys and my maternity stuff: to donate; resell; throw out
  • Remove as much of the prior bullet from the house
  • Last insurance claim and buying from the fire since we now know we won't have to replace the baby stuff that we lost at awful night
  • Start making the apartment look like a home...the use of rooms will no longer change with the coming of a new baby. :(
  • Start planning a trip for next AUGUST (after summer school, which I can now teach)...I can plan cycles that might interfere!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Start reaching out to the moms of Jacob's friends.....Need to make more connections and stop crying about what they have (two, three, four children) and be grateful for my sweet boy
  • AND????
What are the other silver linings? I need to keep thinking or I am going to get sucked into the morass of negative, despairing thoughts about the family I had planned to have....that younger sister for Jacob...that little one to hold in my arms and nurse to sleep. Oh, shit. I am so sad.