Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Meeting the the RE was completely unenlightening. What else did I expect? Why yet another chemical pregnancy one might ask? RE chalks it up to one more bad egg. Oh, at my age MOST of the eggs are bad. Just have to catch the lucky one. How scientific. How promising. Shall I do a jig and whichever one bounces higher must the the right one? Seriously.


RE suggests moving right along ASAP with another cycle. Meaning that we should start BCP as soon as I've got "full flow" from the chemical pregnancy. (After all, need to wash one baby out before we herd in the next. Right?) Injections would then start sometime at the start of August with egg retrieval in mid-August. Why start right away? According to RE egg quality does nothing but diminish with time and I have no time to waste.


I'm taking a deep breath here. In anticipation of this cycle failing I wanted to kill myself. When I found out, finally, that the cycle really was failing, I wanted nothing more than to jump off the overpass as I had planned. I had the energy to do that on Saturday when I found out. DH wouldn't leave me alone, however. Sunday, I could have cared less. Suicide takes too much effort. Sleeping seemed much more apropos. I guess this is background as to why the RE's choice isn't working too well for me. I'm an emotional basket case, when I'm feeling anything at all. Seem to rotate between anger (shhh!), sadness, and nothing. So that leaves us with some other options...QUIT NOW!!! NO MORE CYCLES!! or TAKE A BREAK!!!! and cycle in Oct/Nov.


Quitting does not get me the family that I want. Leads to a life of continued, all-encompassing misery (yes, despite the fact that I have a loving husband and a sweet kitty). Taking a break, means more egg deterioration, less success, and therefore the possibility of greater heartache. In which case, maybe I should just quit to begin with....Well, in which case why not kill myself and forgo all of the misery? A dilemma. So that would lead us back to the RE's option, which seems to give the best chance for success EXCEPT that might be true with regard to egg quality, but that might be counter-acted by the stress/grief/loss/shit that my brain is going through. You'd think I could make myself happy and stress-free for the sake of this last try NOW instead of later. Not sure why that's not as easy as it sounds. Then again, maybe I'll still be equally stressed in Oct/Nov and I may as well do it now.

Who knows?

So those are our choices. Most of me is for giving up. Some of me is for going forward now. A little part of me says taking a break may be best, but could be ultimate ruin. DH? I think he'd prefer now, but is worried about my emotional well-being and is therefore willing to put it off. As always he is very sweet.

Decision count down....

Monday, June 29, 2009

Staying in Place

I do NOT want to go see the RE today. WTF is he going to say? Sorry? Let's try again (yeah, right)....or...Sorry? There is nothing else we can do (like Boston IVF said)...Either prospect makes me cry...Wish I could sleep forever and ignore the whole issue...and never again have to cry over a loss...or cry when I see mommies with their children.

I want to stay in place.

I don't want to make any decisions. Die? Try again? Attempt fostering to adopt? Live childless? None of them works for me. I am too tired. Too sad. I just want to sleep. I've been trying to feel nothing, which is ironic since I spent a lot of my college years trying to feel SOMETHING. Life has a fucked up sense of humor.

I will go.

I owe it to the optimistic DH to at least go to the meeting with the RE today. Right now I know that I have no desire to try again (even if he should suggest doing so). But what happens when that little insidious bug called hope starts to gnaw at my brain? OH, just a slight change in protocol and it will work??!! OH, lets get this in right away, before the stress of school. OF COURSE, let's start BCP right away. NO!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!! But will I say no in the RE's office with a positive RE and an optimistic DH? Shrink says make no plans. Great idea. But I'm not sure I can ignore those little hope bugs.

My greatest fear.

The hope bugs won't have a chance. Like Penzias, Dr. Hill will say there is no point in trying again. Then what keeps me alive? The prospect of being childless looms like a monstrous tar pit waiting to suck me below...

See, better to stay in place.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

And Crappy Endings

Almost two years have passed since that first post. I am amazed to see how full of hope I was. Having now completed 3 IUIs, 5 IVFs, and one FET as well as suffering 5 losses, I say fuck hope! (Pun intended.)

When does the pain end? How will the journey end? When does the journey end? When I have a baby in my arms? When I decide to try to live child-free? When I jump off a mega-high overpass and get mushed by an 18-wheeler? I have no freaking clue.

Yesterday we found out that the bfp from IVF #5 was destined to die. She's probably dead already. Just waiting for the bleeding to start. Yesterday I cried and ranted. I banged walls with visciousness born of self-directed anger. I called the clerk at a clothing store a "Fucking bitch!" and raged my way out of my favorite store. Yes, the clerk was rude, but...hmmm...I may have over reacted a bit.

Today I have alternated between being sad and not feeling at all. Probably more sad than not. I spend most of the day in bed or on the couch. Yesterday I took a Percocet left over from a dental procedure. Today I took some Ativan. Not sure why I took either. Did they help? Can't say...b/c as I said I'm not sure why I took them in the first place. Maybe it just fit with feeling self-destructive.

DH is trying to be supportive buy being optimistic. I love him for it. But sometimes it makes. me. mad. as. hell. IVF#6??????? WTF?!?!?! Foster to adopt???? Yeah, right. Blew that by starting to go see a shrink in September. Idiot. Donor egg cycle through CCRM...$45,000 in debt for absolutely no guarantee. Whose ready for that?

I guess I am feeling right now. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Anxious. Hurt. AAAAGGGHHGHGH!!!!!

INFERTILTY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!