Sunday, September 6, 2009

Suspended Hope

I haven't written in a little while. Been having a tough time...and also a bit busy with the start of school. The third beta on Thursday was good...3040. I don't know what the progesterone levels were for any of the betas, and I don't want to know. Knowing will probably just make me worry more. While everything appears to be going well in terms of beta doubling times, I am just so scared and anxious about the first ultra-sound that I am having a hard time savoring the positive. I do not want to have an ultra-sound! I am too afraid that history will repeat heart beat, more shattered dreams. I am beyond my ability to endure another loss.

So, my days are filled with attempts to forget what is coming...trying to focus on school...well, on anything that doesn't remind me of the upcoming ultrasound (next Saturday) and while I have been sleeping somewhat better (b/c of the progesterone?) I spend a large junk of the night tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking is just bad for me. My brain is broken.

The next week is a waiting game. A test of endurance. We'll see if I pass...

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hanging In

I'm feeling kind of isolated and alone. So many people are so happy for me...and I am happy...Such awesome beta numbers after so long...BUT, I am just so scared. With our prior pregnancies, every time we have gone in for ultra-sounds it has been traumatic. Horrid news. Dead dreams. I know that all seems to be going well so far. I am trying, really trying to stay in the moment (and often succeeding), but any time I think about the first ultra-sound I just want to go away. I feel panicked. Luckily, I don't yet know when it will be. Just a vague time in the next week or two. I presume they will tell me when they call with the results from the beta this coming Thursday. Funny, I'm really not anxious about the beta. I think it will be fine. (G-d, please don't make me eat my words.) I am just nervous about later.

Meetings for school start tomorrow. Actually went in Monday and today and got some work done. It was good for me. Had several hours in which I did not think about the M&Ms, infertility, fear, etc. Yes, a good reprieve. Oh, and speaking of reprieve, I actually SLEPT for 6 hours last night (only very briefly interrupted). It's a miracle! Very helpful for better functioning during the day! Hoping my fatigue is a side-effect of being pregnant...since I'm not feeling any other symptoms. Hmmm, I'm supposed to be writing about school. Found out today that a colleague's wife is pregnant, due in March. But that's not really about school, is it? Distraction. School is supposed to be a distraction...Well, once the students return next week how could classes over-full with teenagers not provide distraction?!? The nice thing about being in the classroom is that nothing outside of the class matters. There is no space in my brain...too full of the thousand decisions that must be made in the course of each to keep four different classes of 25 teenagers interested, engaged, and well-behaved! ;)

Tomorrow is the day for the stupid staff "sharing" thing that I wrote about on Saturday. I think I'm going to talk about gardening. In my head maybe I can make it into a metaphor. Satisfy my need to express my life for the past 3+ years while respecting my colleagues' lack of desire to deal with so much pain and loss. Well, we'll see how it goes. Hope they don't mind some dead plants. [Okay, no bitterness in that comment. Nope, none at all.]