Friday, July 31, 2009

It Begins Again: IVF #6

I am scared and sad. Tired. Very tired. I cry every day. Sometimes I don't even know why.

Too Much
My mind won't stop. I am so anxious about too many things.
Lack of Sleep:
This one just feeds on itself and makes everything else worse.
Finances: will DH keep his job? Why are we spending so much money we don't have?
My brain is so fried from lack of sleep and stress, I can't seem to get myself to do any work for September. I am so overwhelmed by what I have to do that I can't get started...even if I could concentrate. I can't stop crying.
The Past:
Stuff from the past keeps pouring into my brain. I can't keep it out. I'm too tired. Memory makes me even sadder, even more anxious.
Cleaning: Our apartment is a reflection of our state of mind...fucked up! It is a mess. Not growing-stuff-dirty, but dusty-disheveled-messy-dirty. I hate looking around the apartment. But again, the task, like taking care of school stuff, is just daunting. Overwhelming. Right now for me it seems that everything in life it overwhelming.
IVF#6: I can NOT believe we are doing another cycle. WHY!?!? Five losses and so many failures are not enough to tell us to stop? I am so tired. Dead tired. And yet, somehow I am finding the energy to do, at the very minimum, the things I need to for this cycle. Acupuncture. Eating a healthy, acupuncturist-approved diet. Phone calls. Selecting and ordering donor sperm. Blood work and ultra-sounds. And now injections. But, WHY!?!?! Why go through all of this when I know that it will fail? I feel like I'm helping to prepare for my own funeral. What happened to all of that naive hope that I had with IVF #1? Ha! To make matters worse, my shrink is going away during the last half of the 2ww. OBVIOUSLY, she can not plan her life around mine, but it just seems my luck that she would be going away then. Who will be there to pick up the pieces?

DH is Home
Well my supportive, loving husband is home (and with dinner!). I am lucky that he is so wonderful. This morning, out of a waiting room with more than a dozen women, I was the only one with her husband with her. He's amazing. Phenomenal in being so open to donor sperm with our last cycle...for putting having a baby above everything else. And yet, when I am in my darkest times of despair, he doesn't quite seem to be there. (Or maybe I'm just expecting too much.) When I talk about suicide, he just jokes it away. Very hurtful. When I was crying today, he left work early and came home....NOT helpful! Just stressed me out more and made more upset. We can't afford to have him lose his new job.

Yup, Too Much
I am overwhelmed. Bottom line.

Now I'm going to go eat...

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Can I just say that I am completely and utterly tired of everything.

I am tired of this stupid infertility journey.
I am tired of eating healthy in preparation for this cycle...especially yucky millet congee!
I am tired of trying to be positive.
I am tired of people.
I am tired of not sleeping.
I am tired of being sad.
I am tired of crying or of not being able to cry.

I am tired.

On the Freaking Horizon
Last day of BCP is on Tuesday. Medications arrive on Wednesday, how lovely. Acupuncture on Thursday. Glorious blood work and ultra sound on Friday (followed by seeing my shrink, obviously necessary). And Saturday injections begin.

Injections for IVF #6. SIX. I so want to cry. I do not want to do this again. I do not want to fail again. I HATE this whole process. I am tired of it. Very tired. WHY WHY WHY is it so fucking hard?!?!

Monday, July 6, 2009


Today was a "happy" day, to all outside appearances. I met a friend's new puppy. Adorable. I had lunch with a former student. And her cute little puggle. I read a good book. It's been a while since I've been able to concentrate enough to read a book. I spoke with my mom and with a friend on the phone. I made dinner. I ate dinner. All normal things. A normal day. I filled my day to try to be happy. Phone therapy. Puppy therapy. Sun therapy. I am sure that I appeared and sounded happy. Or at least content.

Very Sad

But underneath I am so very, very sad. So much of today took amazing effort. I very, very, very much wanted to cancel meeting my friend, having lunch with my former student. I wanted to stay home. Stay in bed. Not go out and meet the world. *Sigh*

Anger and Resentment

I have made plans for tomorrow, well if you call seeing my shrink plans. But I'll need to shower. Leave the house. That qualifies it as making plans. Wednesday I am tutoring a student. Thursday I see my shrink again AND tutor. Can I tell you how much I resent having TWO things to do on Thursday? How can I resent something that I'm planning myself? I am angry that this is so hard. Yes, I think I am angry. A feeling I never like admitting that I feel. I am angry that having a child has become such an arduous, pain-filled thing...that it has made me angry and sad. That it has brought back a feeling of powerlessness from my childhood. A feeling that scares me. A feeling that goes with pain, confusion, craziness, and deep, dark depression. My mind is bringing two separate, unrelated tragedies together. And until I started writing this I did not realize that powerlessness was the link. I couldn't see the link, only the end result. Not sure that seeing it is helpful, but maybe it will be. I need to think.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Now or Never

I have had several days: To be crazy. To mourn. To think. To decide.

Decision Made

We are moving forward with IVF #6. Now. Started BCP. Decided not to wait for my eggs to age some more. We have decided to do half DH's sperm and half donor sperm. See if mixing my old eggs with some young sperm makes any difference. Cheaper than mixing in some young eggs. That would be IVF #7? Can't even go there. Had to have a psych consult because we are using donor sperm. The woman was really nice. It was good to have someone else reaffirm that considering what we've been through, we're doing okay. She made me smile when she said she was surprised that I was dressed and bathed! (Which I was only because we were going to see her...but, hey, I made the effort!) Her description of being on emotional reserves and having nothing else to draw from was right on target. She asked at what point we would stop. I said when I ended up at McLean's (local psychiatric hospital). I was only partly kidding.

Emotional Overload

I am starting to do a little better emotionally. This latest loss, even though I was expecting it, hit me very hard. Why can't I carry a child? Why does this have to be so hard? I keep imagining that I am killing all those little embryos put inside of me. A toxic uterus. My mind was in chaos. Depressed. Anxious. Suicidal. Self-destructive. Tired. Sad. Crazy. Horrible day "dreams." I felt like I was spiraling out of control. But at the same time spiraling into a deep dark abyss. I was being pulled in multiple directions at once. Depressed and crazy at the same time.

A Little Pill

Courtesy of my shrink. Helpful? Yes and no. Odd. I slept...well at least the first night. I feel more whole. Not torn in all directions. But more depressed. Deeper into the abyss. Odd. More angry, I think. More suicidal thoughts, but less self-destructive. Figure that one out. Well, it's not that hard actually. Self-destruction takes energy and I have none. Is this better? Maybe I need to mourn? I don't know. It just feels odd.

An Amazing Husband

Luckily, my husband has been a wonderful support through this. (Not that his positive energy and hope haven't driven me nuts very often!) He, usually the couch potato, has gotten me out of the house. Doing, when I would rather be going deeper into that abyss. Just easier. Just where I feel I belong. So, while I have started every day since taking that little pill in a morass of despair, DH has gotten me to a more positive place at least for part of every day. Actually, for part of yesterday I think I was actually contented. Almost happy. Imagine. I have spent all of today (except for some 6:30am blood work at the fertility clinic) on the couch feeling miserable. I thought maybe writing this blog would help me get a little out of the darkness so that when DH comes home (very soon) I can be in a little better place. I owe DH that. I would rather curl up and try to make the day go away. Tomorrow perhaps.