Sunday, September 6, 2009

Suspended Hope

I haven't written in a little while. Been having a tough time...and also a bit busy with the start of school. The third beta on Thursday was good...3040. I don't know what the progesterone levels were for any of the betas, and I don't want to know. Knowing will probably just make me worry more. While everything appears to be going well in terms of beta doubling times, I am just so scared and anxious about the first ultra-sound that I am having a hard time savoring the positive. I do not want to have an ultra-sound! I am too afraid that history will repeat itself...no heart beat, more shattered dreams. I am beyond my ability to endure another loss.

So, my days are filled with attempts to forget what is coming...trying to focus on school...well, on anything that doesn't remind me of the upcoming ultrasound (next Saturday) and while I have been sleeping somewhat better (b/c of the progesterone?) I spend a large junk of the night tossing and turning and thinking. Thinking is just bad for me. My brain is broken.

The next week is a waiting game. A test of endurance. We'll see if I pass...

22 comments:

  1. I'm in the same kind of suspended hope... not really wanting it to come.... for me, the beta. I kind of like this not-knowing, this place of "what-if"... that it's possible.

    Hugs.

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  2. hang in there! thinking the best of thoughts for you. :)

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  3. Today you are pregnant, you are pregnant today! Worrying will always be there, try to remember those words everyday until proven otherwise. Good luck.
    -ICLW

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  4. Have you had your ultrasound? I hope it went well, but it makes me nervous for you that you haven't posted since the ultrasound. Hang in there, Ladyspade is right, there will always be something to worry about.

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  5. I think it's normal to feel the way you do. Hang in there and try to focus on the here and now (I know, easier said than done).

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  6. My fingers are crossed for you to have a great ultrasound. Congrats on your pregnancy! I hope you have an uneventful 40 weeks ahead.

    ICLW

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  7. I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. It seems so unfair that something as joyful as pregnancy should be has to be filled with anxiety for people who have experienced such pain and loss from miscarriages. Your betas look amazing, though, and I hope that your ultrasound does, too. It might take a few months of seeing that everything is ok for you to be at ease, but I truly hope that everything goes smoothly and you are able to enjoy every aspect of your pregnancy given enough time.

    (ICLW)

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  8. I wish I could turn off my brain too sometimes. I hope that your pregnancy is worry-free and happy!

    Happy ICLW

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  9. I'm thinking lots of positive thoughts for you! May you have a wonderful pregnancy.

    ICLW

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  10. Praying your u/s went well! Please update and let us know how you are.

    Happy ICLW!

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  11. I remember feeling like you do. It is horrible but normal. Hoping and praying that everything is going perfectly for you.

    ~ICLW

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  12. Sending you lots of happy thoughts and a big cyber hug! Best of luck to you :-)

    Happy ICLW!

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  13. the distractions are good. hope your ultrasound goes/went well.

    ILCW

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  14. hope things are going well for you! try to enjoy where you are at right now even though it is hard.

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  15. Good luck with the ultrasound! How exciting (and scary. I know the feeling)!

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  16. Suspended hope is just such an apt description. I know it's scary. I know what it's like to feel guarded. Hoping for a great ultrasound that will lift your spirits.

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  17. Hang in there!! The waiting is always so difficult. Hoping you can find ways to keep yourself occupied as you wait.

    ICLW

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  18. Waiting is always the hardest part. Good luck!!!

    ICLW

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  19. I have felt your worrying soooooo many times, but you have gotten farther than I ever have. I am truly truly sending you good thoughts and baby dust from Cairo my friend. Hang in there girl. - ICLW

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  20. We have a beautiful 2 year old little boy. Our miracle.

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