Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Hanging In

I'm feeling kind of isolated and alone. So many people are so happy for me...and I am happy...Such awesome beta numbers after so long...BUT, I am just so scared. With our prior pregnancies, every time we have gone in for ultra-sounds it has been traumatic. Horrid news. Dead dreams. I know that all seems to be going well so far. I am trying, really trying to stay in the moment (and often succeeding), but any time I think about the first ultra-sound I just want to go away. I feel panicked. Luckily, I don't yet know when it will be. Just a vague time in the next week or two. I presume they will tell me when they call with the results from the beta this coming Thursday. Funny, I'm really not anxious about the beta. I think it will be fine. (G-d, please don't make me eat my words.) I am just nervous about later.

Meetings for school start tomorrow. Actually went in Monday and today and got some work done. It was good for me. Had several hours in which I did not think about the M&Ms, infertility, fear, etc. Yes, a good reprieve. Oh, and speaking of reprieve, I actually SLEPT for 6 hours last night (only very briefly interrupted). It's a miracle! Very helpful for better functioning during the day! Hoping my fatigue is a side-effect of being pregnant...since I'm not feeling any other symptoms. Hmmm, I'm supposed to be writing about school. Found out today that a colleague's wife is pregnant, due in March. But that's not really about school, is it? Distraction. School is supposed to be a distraction...Well, once the students return next week how could classes over-full with teenagers not provide distraction?!? The nice thing about being in the classroom is that nothing outside of the class matters. There is no space in my brain...too full of the thousand decisions that must be made in the course of each lesson...how to keep four different classes of 25 teenagers interested, engaged, and well-behaved! ;)

Tomorrow is the day for the stupid staff "sharing" thing that I wrote about on Saturday. I think I'm going to talk about gardening. In my head maybe I can make it into a metaphor. Satisfy my need to express my life for the past 3+ years while respecting my colleagues' lack of desire to deal with so much pain and loss. Well, we'll see how it goes. Hope they don't mind some dead plants. [Okay, no bitterness in that comment. Nope, none at all.]

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for stopping over at my blog. Your comment was very sweet and uplifting. I really appreciate it.

    I can't believe you are on your sixth round of IVF. I hope and pray that this pregnancy is good. I can completely understand your trepidation in getting excited. A classroom full of 25 teenagers really would be quite the distraction.

    Please stick and grow little baby(ies)! I will be thinking about and praying for you.