What Will Be Will Be

Every time I think that this cycle has succeeded or has failed I sing the refrain to the song Que Sera, Sera:

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be

I keep trying to drown out any hope or any despair. In truth, there is nothing I can do about it either way and certainly stressing over it isn't going to help matters any. But, alas, easier said than done. Quite frankly, Saturday can't get here soon enough. Either I am in for more hoping/fearing/waiting if it's a BFP or if it's a BFN, I can finally stop putting my life on hold. Yup, one or the other. Anyway, going back to not thinking about it!!!!

TWO EMBIES: Brooklyn and Faith

Six (or is it seven?) years after being frozen, our two little embies thawed! I named them Brooklyn and Faith. I was in awe and surprise...all morning I kept fearing the call that would tell me not to bother to come in for the transfer because neither embie had made it. When the RE told me that they had both survived the thaw, I replied that I hadn't expected them to. His reply: "I have learned not to have expectations when it comes to you and your husband." Our little boy defied all expectations. Two embies, each with a 70% likelihood of thawing both made it. Maybe this cycle itself will also defy all expectations...

Ah, but there I am getting away with myself with that dangerous thing called: HOPE. I have not really done a good job of "Learning To Let Go." No expectations. What will be, will be. I leave it in G-d's hands, since clearly I've no say in the outcome! (Though that doesn't stop me from eating my millet congee and sleeping on my left side and all those other things I do that are really just away for me to pretend that I have some control over the matter!!!!)

So now I am in the dreaded 2ww...though the nice thing about a 5-day transfer is that I only need to wait 9 days....Saturday, August 3rd. I'll test at home on the 2nd. Until then, I wait...and hope.

Infertility and Dream Job Rejection -- Yup, there's a connection!

Just read an interesting post (click here to view) that compared the trials of infertility with rejection from your dream job...The dream job being that of a mother, the rejection in both leading to pain, despair, "why not me?" and the question of how much emotional energy can one put into trying for that job, that job of mother, again and again. The post was a poignant reminder of the exhaustion of infertility. Not that I needed reminding, I am completely emotionally exhausted from my journey (and I AM now a mother), but I DID need reminding that I am not alone. Maybe that's why I've linked back into the blog world right now. I am in the very last leg of my journey and, like a runner trying to run that last mile of a very long run, I need to find that strength that I know is in there somewhere to finish.

My blog lists the beginning part of my journey...and then I stopped writing with IVF#6, the one that by a miracle of G-d, actually worked. But that didn't mean that the pain of infertility stopped with the birth of my son (6 weeks early; 10 days in NICU), because somehow it is always there. After a year, we started trying for #2.....More IVFs, more losses...and I am tired...So tired I can't count the number of fresh or frozen transfers...I honestly don't know how many, except that it was/is too many. And now, the last leg... two little frozen embies from before we switched to donor sperm (which led to the success of that IVF#6, or so I believe)...So I am going through this FET with the dread, the certainty that it won't work again because these embies were created with my husband's sperm. Hmm, but then none of the other IVFs with donor sperm (same donor) worked, so maybe it wasn't the donor sperm after all...just a miracle. I am almost too tired to finish. I haven't been eating like I should...haven't consistently done all those things (like eating millet congee or drinking aloe vera gel) that I did with IVF#6. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I just really too tired? Or am I just convinced that it doesn't matter, that it's not going to work anyway? And if it's not going to work anyway, THEN WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Good question. Not sure I really have the answer. Strength? Hope? Determination? Stubbornness? Insanity?????? I'm thinking the last one.

Blood work and u/s to check lining on Saturday...will then see how much farther the journey continues. And if I'll make it to the end.

Last Attempt

To Terri, who commented on my post of a year ago....We did succeed!! IVF#6 resulted in our beautiful little boy who is now 3 years old!!!! He is our miracle!!! We have done many IVFs/FETs since then with several losses trying for #2. Our last loss was in October 2012 at 10 weeks. I was devastated beyond belief. I am currently doing our LAST cycle with two little frozen embies. If all goes well, the transfer will be next week. Regardless of the outcome, it is the end of our journey. I am too old (44 next month) and emotionally exhausted to continue the journey. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!