Just read an interesting post (click here to view) that compared the trials of infertility with rejection from your dream job...The dream job being that of a mother, the rejection in both leading to pain, despair, "why not me?" and the question of how much emotional energy can one put into trying for that job, that job of mother, again and again. The post was a poignant reminder of the exhaustion of infertility. Not that I needed reminding, I am completely emotionally exhausted from my journey (and I AM now a mother), but I DID need reminding that I am not alone. Maybe that's why I've linked back into the blog world right now. I am in the very last leg of my journey and, like a runner trying to run that last mile of a very long run, I need to find that strength that I know is in there somewhere to finish.
My blog lists the beginning part of my journey...and then I stopped writing with IVF#6, the one that by a miracle of G-d, actually worked. But that didn't mean that the pain of infertility stopped with the birth of my son (6 weeks early; 10 days in NICU), because somehow it is always there. After a year, we started trying for #2.....More IVFs, more losses...and I am tired...So tired I can't count the number of fresh or frozen transfers...I honestly don't know how many, except that it was/is too many. And now, the last leg... two little frozen embies from before we switched to donor sperm (which led to the success of that IVF#6, or so I believe)...So I am going through this FET with the dread, the certainty that it won't work again because these embies were created with my husband's sperm. Hmm, but then none of the other IVFs with donor sperm (same donor) worked, so maybe it wasn't the donor sperm after all...just a miracle. I am almost too tired to finish. I haven't been eating like I should...haven't consistently done all those things (like eating millet congee or drinking aloe vera gel) that I did with IVF#6. Am I sabotaging myself? Am I just really too tired? Or am I just convinced that it doesn't matter, that it's not going to work anyway? And if it's not going to work anyway, THEN WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN? Good question. Not sure I really have the answer. Strength? Hope? Determination? Stubbornness? Insanity?????? I'm thinking the last one.
Blood work and u/s to check lining on Saturday...will then see how much farther the journey continues. And if I'll make it to the end.