Monday, June 29, 2009

Staying in Place

I do NOT want to go see the RE today. WTF is he going to say? Sorry? Let's try again (yeah, right)....or...Sorry? There is nothing else we can do (like Boston IVF said)...Either prospect makes me cry...Wish I could sleep forever and ignore the whole issue...and never again have to cry over a loss...or cry when I see mommies with their children.

I want to stay in place.

I don't want to make any decisions. Die? Try again? Attempt fostering to adopt? Live childless? None of them works for me. I am too tired. Too sad. I just want to sleep. I've been trying to feel nothing, which is ironic since I spent a lot of my college years trying to feel SOMETHING. Life has a fucked up sense of humor.

I will go.

I owe it to the optimistic DH to at least go to the meeting with the RE today. Right now I know that I have no desire to try again (even if he should suggest doing so). But what happens when that little insidious bug called hope starts to gnaw at my brain? OH, just a slight change in protocol and it will work??!! OH, lets get this in right away, before the stress of school. OF COURSE, let's start BCP right away. NO!! NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!! But will I say no in the RE's office with a positive RE and an optimistic DH? Shrink says make no plans. Great idea. But I'm not sure I can ignore those little hope bugs.

My greatest fear.

The hope bugs won't have a chance. Like Penzias, Dr. Hill will say there is no point in trying again. Then what keeps me alive? The prospect of being childless looms like a monstrous tar pit waiting to suck me below...

See, better to stay in place.

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