Sunday, June 28, 2009

And Crappy Endings

Almost two years have passed since that first post. I am amazed to see how full of hope I was. Having now completed 3 IUIs, 5 IVFs, and one FET as well as suffering 5 losses, I say fuck hope! (Pun intended.)

When does the pain end? How will the journey end? When does the journey end? When I have a baby in my arms? When I decide to try to live child-free? When I jump off a mega-high overpass and get mushed by an 18-wheeler? I have no freaking clue.

Yesterday we found out that the bfp from IVF #5 was destined to die. She's probably dead already. Just waiting for the bleeding to start. Yesterday I cried and ranted. I banged walls with visciousness born of self-directed anger. I called the clerk at a clothing store a "Fucking bitch!" and raged my way out of my favorite store. Yes, the clerk was rude, but...hmmm...I may have over reacted a bit.

Today I have alternated between being sad and not feeling at all. Probably more sad than not. I spend most of the day in bed or on the couch. Yesterday I took a Percocet left over from a dental procedure. Today I took some Ativan. Not sure why I took either. Did they help? Can't say...b/c as I said I'm not sure why I took them in the first place. Maybe it just fit with feeling self-destructive.

DH is trying to be supportive buy being optimistic. I love him for it. But sometimes it makes. me. mad. as. hell. IVF#6??????? WTF?!?!?! Foster to adopt???? Yeah, right. Blew that by starting to go see a shrink in September. Idiot. Donor egg cycle through CCRM...$45,000 in debt for absolutely no guarantee. Whose ready for that?

I guess I am feeling right now. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Anxious. Hurt. AAAAGGGHHGHGH!!!!!

INFERTILTY FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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