Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Meeting the the RE was completely unenlightening. What else did I expect? Why yet another chemical pregnancy one might ask? RE chalks it up to one more bad egg. Oh, at my age MOST of the eggs are bad. Just have to catch the lucky one. How scientific. How promising. Shall I do a jig and whichever one bounces higher must the the right one? Seriously.


RE suggests moving right along ASAP with another cycle. Meaning that we should start BCP as soon as I've got "full flow" from the chemical pregnancy. (After all, need to wash one baby out before we herd in the next. Right?) Injections would then start sometime at the start of August with egg retrieval in mid-August. Why start right away? According to RE egg quality does nothing but diminish with time and I have no time to waste.


I'm taking a deep breath here. In anticipation of this cycle failing I wanted to kill myself. When I found out, finally, that the cycle really was failing, I wanted nothing more than to jump off the overpass as I had planned. I had the energy to do that on Saturday when I found out. DH wouldn't leave me alone, however. Sunday, I could have cared less. Suicide takes too much effort. Sleeping seemed much more apropos. I guess this is background as to why the RE's choice isn't working too well for me. I'm an emotional basket case, when I'm feeling anything at all. Seem to rotate between anger (shhh!), sadness, and nothing. So that leaves us with some other options...QUIT NOW!!! NO MORE CYCLES!! or TAKE A BREAK!!!! and cycle in Oct/Nov.


Quitting does not get me the family that I want. Leads to a life of continued, all-encompassing misery (yes, despite the fact that I have a loving husband and a sweet kitty). Taking a break, means more egg deterioration, less success, and therefore the possibility of greater heartache. In which case, maybe I should just quit to begin with....Well, in which case why not kill myself and forgo all of the misery? A dilemma. So that would lead us back to the RE's option, which seems to give the best chance for success EXCEPT that might be true with regard to egg quality, but that might be counter-acted by the stress/grief/loss/shit that my brain is going through. You'd think I could make myself happy and stress-free for the sake of this last try NOW instead of later. Not sure why that's not as easy as it sounds. Then again, maybe I'll still be equally stressed in Oct/Nov and I may as well do it now.

Who knows?

So those are our choices. Most of me is for giving up. Some of me is for going forward now. A little part of me says taking a break may be best, but could be ultimate ruin. DH? I think he'd prefer now, but is worried about my emotional well-being and is therefore willing to put it off. As always he is very sweet.

Decision count down....

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