Saturday, August 29, 2009

Waiting and Preparing

Spent most of yesterday in a funk. The couch was my friend. Actually, the night before I couldn't stop crying. But I'm pregnant, why am I not happy? Well, I AM happy, but I'm also just terribly scared and anxious. I feel guilty that I am so sad and anxious when things are going so well. But that is how I feel (although I'm better today than yesterday). I have been pregnant 5 times before and I don't have a baby in my arms. I am cautious. I'm trying to have faith that this time is different, that all will be well. But it is hard. I'm also trying to follow my shrink's advice and stay in the moment...and right now all is well with the pregnancy. I'm trying. Sometimes I am actually succeeding. Sometimes not so much. As I said, better today than yesterday. All is well now. Need to keep reminding myself of that. Need to try to STOP thinking about the first ultra-sound which has gone so drastically wrong in prior pregnancies. I am just so scared. Faith. I need to have faith.

Prep for School
As anxious as I am about next week's beta and our first u/s whenever that may be, I am becoming more anxious about the start of the new school year. Told myself on Friday that I HAD to get stuff done for school, but as I said, the couch was my friend. Today I worked for several hours this morning. Very good. Just soooooo much more to go. I guess the good thing is that it's probably the only thing that even has a chance of distracting me from pregnancy worries. Meeting with some fellow teachers on Monday, which I hope will help keep me focused and able to get work done.

What to Say?
Teacher meetings are on Wed & Thurs (beta day). They are planning some stupid small group thing in which we share something about ourselves with our co-workers. I am DREADING this part. Who's brilliant idea was this thing? Quite frankly they don't want to hear about my fertility issues and I don't care much about anything else. Besides, my life has been on hold for a very long time, so I haven't done much to talk about anyway, unlike so many teachers where I work who have fantastic trips to various cool places around the world. Yeah, who can plan trips when one doesn't know when the next cycle will be? Anyway, I don't know what to talk about. Haven't even read any good books. Read some great infertility blogs! LOL! I so wish I could skip this part of the day. Well, I guess I have a few days to try to come up with something....


  1. What if you did tell them about your infertility? What would that be like for you?