I have had several days: To be crazy. To mourn. To think. To decide.
We are moving forward with IVF #6. Now. Started BCP. Decided not to wait for my eggs to age some more. We have decided to do half DH's sperm and half donor sperm. See if mixing my old eggs with some young sperm makes any difference. Cheaper than mixing in some young eggs. That would be IVF #7? Can't even go there. Had to have a psych consult because we are using donor sperm. The woman was really nice. It was good to have someone else reaffirm that considering what we've been through, we're doing okay. She made me smile when she said she was surprised that I was dressed and bathed! (Which I was only because we were going to see her...but, hey, I made the effort!) Her description of being on emotional reserves and having nothing else to draw from was right on target. She asked at what point we would stop. I said when I ended up at McLean's (local psychiatric hospital). I was only partly kidding.
I am starting to do a little better emotionally. This latest loss, even though I was expecting it, hit me very hard. Why can't I carry a child? Why does this have to be so hard? I keep imagining that I am killing all those little embryos put inside of me. A toxic uterus. My mind was in chaos. Depressed. Anxious. Suicidal. Self-destructive. Tired. Sad. Crazy. Horrible day "dreams." I felt like I was spiraling out of control. But at the same time spiraling into a deep dark abyss. I was being pulled in multiple directions at once. Depressed and crazy at the same time.
A Little Pill
Courtesy of my shrink. Helpful? Yes and no. Odd. I slept...well at least the first night. I feel more whole. Not torn in all directions. But more depressed. Deeper into the abyss. Odd. More angry, I think. More suicidal thoughts, but less self-destructive. Figure that one out. Well, it's not that hard actually. Self-destruction takes energy and I have none. Is this better? Maybe I need to mourn? I don't know. It just feels odd.
An Amazing Husband
Luckily, my husband has been a wonderful support through this. (Not that his positive energy and hope haven't driven me nuts very often!) He, usually the couch potato, has gotten me out of the house. Doing, when I would rather be going deeper into that abyss. Just easier. Just where I feel I belong. So, while I have started every day since taking that little pill in a morass of despair, DH has gotten me to a more positive place at least for part of every day. Actually, for part of yesterday I think I was actually contented. Almost happy. Imagine. I have spent all of today (except for some 6:30am blood work at the fertility clinic) on the couch feeling miserable. I thought maybe writing this blog would help me get a little out of the darkness so that when DH comes home (very soon) I can be in a little better place. I owe DH that. I would rather curl up and try to make the day go away. Tomorrow perhaps.