Friday, July 31, 2009

It Begins Again: IVF #6

I am scared and sad. Tired. Very tired. I cry every day. Sometimes I don't even know why.

Too Much
My mind won't stop. I am so anxious about too many things.
Lack of Sleep:
This one just feeds on itself and makes everything else worse.
Finances: will DH keep his job? Why are we spending so much money we don't have?
My brain is so fried from lack of sleep and stress, I can't seem to get myself to do any work for September. I am so overwhelmed by what I have to do that I can't get started...even if I could concentrate. I can't stop crying.
The Past:
Stuff from the past keeps pouring into my brain. I can't keep it out. I'm too tired. Memory makes me even sadder, even more anxious.
Cleaning: Our apartment is a reflection of our state of mind...fucked up! It is a mess. Not growing-stuff-dirty, but dusty-disheveled-messy-dirty. I hate looking around the apartment. But again, the task, like taking care of school stuff, is just daunting. Overwhelming. Right now for me it seems that everything in life it overwhelming.
IVF#6: I can NOT believe we are doing another cycle. WHY!?!? Five losses and so many failures are not enough to tell us to stop? I am so tired. Dead tired. And yet, somehow I am finding the energy to do, at the very minimum, the things I need to for this cycle. Acupuncture. Eating a healthy, acupuncturist-approved diet. Phone calls. Selecting and ordering donor sperm. Blood work and ultra-sounds. And now injections. But, WHY!?!?! Why go through all of this when I know that it will fail? I feel like I'm helping to prepare for my own funeral. What happened to all of that naive hope that I had with IVF #1? Ha! To make matters worse, my shrink is going away during the last half of the 2ww. OBVIOUSLY, she can not plan her life around mine, but it just seems my luck that she would be going away then. Who will be there to pick up the pieces?

DH is Home
Well my supportive, loving husband is home (and with dinner!). I am lucky that he is so wonderful. This morning, out of a waiting room with more than a dozen women, I was the only one with her husband with her. He's amazing. Phenomenal in being so open to donor sperm with our last cycle...for putting having a baby above everything else. And yet, when I am in my darkest times of despair, he doesn't quite seem to be there. (Or maybe I'm just expecting too much.) When I talk about suicide, he just jokes it away. Very hurtful. When I was crying today, he left work early and came home....NOT helpful! Just stressed me out more and made more upset. We can't afford to have him lose his new job.

Yup, Too Much
I am overwhelmed. Bottom line.

Now I'm going to go eat...


  1. I've been crying daily, too. It sucks.

    I'll be here.

  2. Thanks, Nat. I know you understand. I'm sorry you are hurting so much too. Wish we lived just a little bit closer!