Today was a "happy" day, to all outside appearances. I met a friend's new puppy. Adorable. I had lunch with a former student. And her cute little puggle. I read a good book. It's been a while since I've been able to concentrate enough to read a book. I spoke with my mom and with a friend on the phone. I made dinner. I ate dinner. All normal things. A normal day. I filled my day to try to be happy. Phone therapy. Puppy therapy. Sun therapy. I am sure that I appeared and sounded happy. Or at least content.
But underneath I am so very, very sad. So much of today took amazing effort. I very, very, very much wanted to cancel meeting my friend, having lunch with my former student. I wanted to stay home. Stay in bed. Not go out and meet the world. *Sigh*
Anger and Resentment
I have made plans for tomorrow, well if you call seeing my shrink plans. But I'll need to shower. Leave the house. That qualifies it as making plans. Wednesday I am tutoring a student. Thursday I see my shrink again AND tutor. Can I tell you how much I resent having TWO things to do on Thursday? How can I resent something that I'm planning myself? I am angry that this is so hard. Yes, I think I am angry. A feeling I never like admitting that I feel. I am angry that having a child has become such an arduous, pain-filled thing...that it has made me angry and sad. That it has brought back a feeling of powerlessness from my childhood. A feeling that scares me. A feeling that goes with pain, confusion, craziness, and deep, dark depression. My mind is bringing two separate, unrelated tragedies together. And until I started writing this I did not realize that powerlessness was the link. I couldn't see the link, only the end result. Not sure that seeing it is helpful, but maybe it will be. I need to think.