Sunday, August 23, 2009

HPT Negative

12dpo and at 2am the hpt was negative. And why do you ask did I take an hpt in the midst of a family visit? Sheer stupidity. Masochism? So now I am devastated, but can't show it. Lots of fun and expended energy trying to be positive when I want to curl away from the world. Of course, though, there is that other stupid part of me that holds out hope despite experience over almost 4 years that tells me that any time I get a bfp after 12dpo it is a chemical pregnancy. *sigh* As I said, just sheer stupidity (the hope, that is). Luckily, I have managed not to share this news with my dh. Figure I can give him a day or two more of blissful ignorance.

Visit so far going well. Cleaning basically passed muster! Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences with perfectionist cleaning family members in response to my last post. I am sorry to hear that I am not alone in my scrambling to clean to please these neurotic people in my life. While my cleaning seems to have passed (the weekend is not over!), my pie crust did not. My little sister's (6 years younger at 34) comment was that she couldn't believe I was too lazy to make the crust from scratch. She very kindly did so for me and we threw my crust in the trash (must admit, mine had not stayed up on all sides, but it did have good flavor, even if it came from a box). Isn't family fun?! ;)

My mom could not believe that I was so unhappy about turning 40, which everyone in my family agreed is not a big deal. When I said that I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that I am 40 and childless, she responded "Oh, that." Gee, how supportive.

Can't believe how upset I am that my shrink is away for the next two weeks. I feel very much adrift without her...and she only left yesterday for goodness sake! Of course, it doesn't help that she's away at the convergence of turning 40, family visit, and the likely failure of our 6th and last IVF. G-d clearly has a sense of humor and is testing my ability to stay in this world. Well, and to stay here as a functional being. Funny thing is, I really thought I'd already been tested enough. Guess not. Well, considering I'm about to cry and this might raise questions from my dh, I'm going to end this post here. Besides, need to go make my rounds of other people's blogs...maybe I'll find some inspiration and strength.


  1. Am so terribly sorry about the IVF also sad that you do not have any snowbabies to freeze this cycle.

    The fact that you are not alone at this time is both a boon as well as a bane. Family would take your mind away, but they will prevent you from thinking privately about this.

    Wish the scenario had been different.


  2. Oh yeah, fantastic timing from your shrink. :( And what a comment from your sister... sheesh. Big huge hugs for the BFN.... but all my cycles have had BFNs at that point, I swear it. Holding out hope for you.

  3. I think that was very rude of your sister to say. And I admit I'm surprised at the awfulness of the timing of your shrink's absence.

    Finally, I am not the Pollyanna type. And when I got BFN at 12DPO I kind of thought it was probably a genuine BFN for the cycle. That said, the reality is that some folks don't get BFP until 14 DPO. That is true even for a few fertiles I know. So don't give up just yet.

  4. ((Hugs)) I'm sorry for the BFN. I'll hold out a little hope for you, just in case it's too soon.

    I like to think families are the friends we would never pick sometimes LOL Sometimes they can be such pains in the ass.

    Hang in there honey. ((Hugs))

  5. Thanks for your comment on my blog. It is amazing what we can get used too. I'm still nervous about pap's but after all of this is done hopefully I will be used to that as well. I'm sorry about your bfn. That must have been hard to act happy around your family.

  6. I'm so sorry for your BFN. I think a lot of us have some element of masochism in how we approach IF stuff. I'll test a million times, even if it was a month when Hubby was travelling during baby making time. Just to torture myself, I guess.

    I hope the rest of your family visit goes well.

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  8. oh no! is there anything worse than a bfn on an IVF cycle?!? ok, they all suck, but my IVF bfn's cost me a whole lot more money than any other kind. and a whole lot more in psychological pain, too. i fully commiserate.

    welcome to 40. i had typed some comments but realized i was way too debbie downer and so i will shut up!


  9. Thank you all for your wonderful support! And those of you who said it was too early...looks like you were right! :)