HPT Negative

Stupidity
12dpo and at 2am the hpt was negative. And why do you ask did I take an hpt in the midst of a family visit? Sheer stupidity. Masochism? So now I am devastated, but can't show it. Lots of fun and expended energy trying to be positive when I want to curl away from the world. Of course, though, there is that other stupid part of me that holds out hope despite experience over almost 4 years that tells me that any time I get a bfp after 12dpo it is a chemical pregnancy. *sigh* As I said, just sheer stupidity (the hope, that is). Luckily, I have managed not to share this news with my dh. Figure I can give him a day or two more of blissful ignorance.

Family
Visit so far going well. Cleaning basically passed muster! Thanks to all of you who shared your experiences with perfectionist cleaning family members in response to my last post. I am sorry to hear that I am not alone in my scrambling to clean to please these neurotic people in my life. While my cleaning seems to have passed (the weekend is not over!), my pie crust did not. My little sister's (6 years younger at 34) comment was that she couldn't believe I was too lazy to make the crust from scratch. She very kindly did so for me and we threw my crust in the trash (must admit, mine had not stayed up on all sides, but it did have good flavor, even if it came from a box). Isn't family fun?! ;)

My mom could not believe that I was so unhappy about turning 40, which everyone in my family agreed is not a big deal. When I said that I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the fact that I am 40 and childless, she responded "Oh, that." Gee, how supportive.

Therapist
Can't believe how upset I am that my shrink is away for the next two weeks. I feel very much adrift without her...and she only left yesterday for goodness sake! Of course, it doesn't help that she's away at the convergence of turning 40, family visit, and the likely failure of our 6th and last IVF. G-d clearly has a sense of humor and is testing my ability to stay in this world. Well, and to stay here as a functional being. Funny thing is, I really thought I'd already been tested enough. Guess not. Well, considering I'm about to cry and this might raise questions from my dh, I'm going to end this post here. Besides, need to go make my rounds of other people's blogs...maybe I'll find some inspiration and strength.