Saturday, August 15, 2009


One week until I'll POAS. (Beta 2 days later.) It seems like forever. I keep replaying all of our prior losses in my head. I know I should be staying positive, but it is so very hard. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the beta. Wish that were possible. Actually, it would be really nice if I could sleep a solid eight hours. Heck, I'd be happy for six!

I have tons of work to do for school, but every time I try to work on it my brain ends up elsewhere. I'm lucky if I can manage 15 minutes at a shot. I had hoped that school work might distract me from the 2ww, but apparently I hoped in vain. My friend said just leave it all in G-d's hands. Apparently I'm not very good at that. Her implication was that it was never going to work until I did. Guess I'm freaking screwed then. *sigh* Just more stress.

Can't believe that I will be 40 in less than a week. Makes me enormously sad that I will be 40 and still do not have a baby in my arms. I don't think the age would bother me so much if it weren't for the issue of fertility...and its decline. I'm 20 years older than my mother was when she had me. Scary thought.

I really thought I could write more. But I think I am just too sad. I hope that if the cycle works, it works. I can not deal with another loss. I can't. Too many already that I can't stop thinking about. Where is hope now? I think I'm just tired of everything.

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