HPT and Beta
After Sunday's negative hpt, I was very wary of testing again. In fact, yesterday I was pretty much in a funk....laid on the couch for most of the afternoon. But this morning I decided to test before I went in for the beta. To my amazement I very quickly got a BFP on the hpt! My dh had run out for coffee, so I left the hpt on his dresser. I soooo couldn't wait for him to get home. He, of course, was also in a state of disbelief once he saw the test. We were both shaking! "Calm." We said. "Calm." After five losses, we reminded ourselves that this is just the first step. Need to be cautious. But man are we happy!!! (So much for caution. Wish my shrink were here because somehow dealing with these positive emotions is just as hard...albeit in a different way!)
At 6am we went for the beta. (I am so lucky that my dh comes with me to almost every appointment.) By 10am one of the doctors at the clinic called. I was a little scared as previously I'd only been called by nurses. Why was the RE calling (not mine, but another one at the clinic)? Good news! Beta was 90!!!!! Okay, some history here. IVF #5 our initial beta was NINE! First FET our beta was 28. So this is much better! That being said, our first IUI beta was over 100, so hence my need to remind myself to be cautious as we never got to hear our little boy's heartbeat.
Up! Down! Around! Around!
So, the question is how to find a place of stability in this whirlwind of emotion. How can I be happy without being tooo happy? (It would be nice to stop pacing...hard to type and pace at the same time!!) Cautious without being depressed? (How to remember that we are not out of the woods by a long shot without getting mired in the loss of all of our little ones.) Oy! Where is that middle ground? What would my shrink say? "Go for a walk." "Pet the cat." "Make a cup of tea." Yup, need to make myself do those things. Not sure any of them will help me find a middle ground....but perhaps some islands of calm in this storm?
Return for second beta on Thursday, so I'm praying for some very nice doubling. Until then, I think I'll go pet the cat....